cleansing our resentments
Jul. 4th, 2021 07:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ferdiathFic is here
timeline for this fic: written over the course of two days
-day 1: between 6pm and midnight
-day 2: between 11am and 1pm
mostly written between two phones notes docs that were moved to two separate google docs.
Nothing about this fic is particularly interesting in terms of its existence. I have returned to my frequent personal obsession with Typhoon’s 2018 album Offerings (see dying king au), and it was between this or a hyper light drifter au (which I may return to for the very thing that kept me away from it—permanent major character death).
Its composition is pretty standard. Scenes of them in the evening intercut with scenes of them during the day—evening as a time where genuine emotions can be revealed (or in the case of every akifumi I write, perpetually danced around in favor of saying mean things to each other about themselves). Every time I suffer myself to write akifumi (presently every time I have written for starira) I feel like my point is always very blatantly trying to get to the core of what happened between them and the idea of blame and fault that Siegfeld* students are obsessed with (alongside betrayal and loyalty). Seeing people say they blamed Akira for Fumi’s departure really struck something in my brain that’s been rattling around since then. I don’t think that’s true. I think Siegfeld’s school culture is more than a little not good, but that’s not Akira’s fault, and I suppose I can’t say it’s entirely her fault to realize that a structure she thrives in is killing someone else.
That’s kind of the whole thing with akifumi that makes it fun to me, because before Akira could say “well anyone who fails at Siegfeld does so because they’re just less than me” but Fumi is someone she openly acknowledges as equal to her as a stage girl (on par with her and the king) and that’s why it tears her up so much to see Fumi abandon Siegfeld and be crushed under its stage. In spite of how different they all are I think if you read most of my works in order you can kind of see that come through—but alongside that I think is always this idea of blame in the face of blameless situations.
As a person I think I’m so unfocused on who is at fault for things going wrong—it’s one of those things that is just to make you personally feel better (by hopefully staving off any personal guilt you feel at something going wrong) but it never actually solves a real problem. If there’s a problem, it has to be solved. If it’s not a problem so much as a personal grievance, you don’t move on by blaming someone. Even if Akira is at fault for Fumi leaving, or Fumi takes 100% blame personally and Siegfeld is a great school with a great school culture, it doesn’t really mean anything. For both of them, an apology will never actually be satisfactory.
That said, I think both of them are hyperfixated on the idea of blame—Akira in particular through SSG and her yoyo-ing opinion on Fumi throughout the story, and Fumi in blaming herself for the Siegfeld problem (and showing she’s that kind of person in particular through being absolutely Unwell Mentally in arcana). Everything for them is about blowing things out of proportion, about finding a person to blame and (in Fumi’s case in particular) building up an unreasonably large victim complex about everything.
I had to pull out of writing certain things. Originally it was just Akira and Fumi and I was looking at maybe 1000 words as intended writing (every story I write gets away from me), but then the Ruiyukko inclusion was fun. It was (as the case is with me) built around a joke of Yuyuko hugging Akira. You can get over how awesome I am on your own time. This is Bearo self-centered time. Still, I wasn’t sure how I would (or if I could) handle writing permanent character death. I did in the dying king au, and then immediately backtracked it through the rest of the story (which I think worked for what I wanted). So I wrote around actually having them find Tamao and Shiori and Ichie, because Everything Always Works Out just didn’t feel like it would be right, but I couldn’t write it to go wrong.
I think I’ll return to that Hyper Light Drifter AU, and return further to the idea of major character death. It’ll be good overall for my brain to be able to write it in a way that feels authentic and real. Anway, I also hate writing action scenes so you have to wonder why I keep being like this. But I will continue to be.
The title is just a line I liked from We’re In It by typhoon, which is definitely one of the more politically minded songs on a politically minded album I am co-opting for starira reasons (i’m very cool).
Anyway, fascinated as always by my cringe obsession with the particulars of sentence structure and the intents those structures convey. Sorry I was a dual major in language and meaning (written) and language and meaning (verbal). It’s painfully painful, as well as painfully obvious.
timeline for this fic: written over the course of two days
-day 1: between 6pm and midnight
-day 2: between 11am and 1pm
mostly written between two phones notes docs that were moved to two separate google docs.
Nothing about this fic is particularly interesting in terms of its existence. I have returned to my frequent personal obsession with Typhoon’s 2018 album Offerings (see dying king au), and it was between this or a hyper light drifter au (which I may return to for the very thing that kept me away from it—permanent major character death).
Its composition is pretty standard. Scenes of them in the evening intercut with scenes of them during the day—evening as a time where genuine emotions can be revealed (or in the case of every akifumi I write, perpetually danced around in favor of saying mean things to each other about themselves). Every time I suffer myself to write akifumi (presently every time I have written for starira) I feel like my point is always very blatantly trying to get to the core of what happened between them and the idea of blame and fault that Siegfeld* students are obsessed with (alongside betrayal and loyalty). Seeing people say they blamed Akira for Fumi’s departure really struck something in my brain that’s been rattling around since then. I don’t think that’s true. I think Siegfeld’s school culture is more than a little not good, but that’s not Akira’s fault, and I suppose I can’t say it’s entirely her fault to realize that a structure she thrives in is killing someone else.
That’s kind of the whole thing with akifumi that makes it fun to me, because before Akira could say “well anyone who fails at Siegfeld does so because they’re just less than me” but Fumi is someone she openly acknowledges as equal to her as a stage girl (on par with her and the king) and that’s why it tears her up so much to see Fumi abandon Siegfeld and be crushed under its stage. In spite of how different they all are I think if you read most of my works in order you can kind of see that come through—but alongside that I think is always this idea of blame in the face of blameless situations.
As a person I think I’m so unfocused on who is at fault for things going wrong—it’s one of those things that is just to make you personally feel better (by hopefully staving off any personal guilt you feel at something going wrong) but it never actually solves a real problem. If there’s a problem, it has to be solved. If it’s not a problem so much as a personal grievance, you don’t move on by blaming someone. Even if Akira is at fault for Fumi leaving, or Fumi takes 100% blame personally and Siegfeld is a great school with a great school culture, it doesn’t really mean anything. For both of them, an apology will never actually be satisfactory.
That said, I think both of them are hyperfixated on the idea of blame—Akira in particular through SSG and her yoyo-ing opinion on Fumi throughout the story, and Fumi in blaming herself for the Siegfeld problem (and showing she’s that kind of person in particular through being absolutely Unwell Mentally in arcana). Everything for them is about blowing things out of proportion, about finding a person to blame and (in Fumi’s case in particular) building up an unreasonably large victim complex about everything.
I had to pull out of writing certain things. Originally it was just Akira and Fumi and I was looking at maybe 1000 words as intended writing (every story I write gets away from me), but then the Ruiyukko inclusion was fun. It was (as the case is with me) built around a joke of Yuyuko hugging Akira. You can get over how awesome I am on your own time. This is Bearo self-centered time. Still, I wasn’t sure how I would (or if I could) handle writing permanent character death. I did in the dying king au, and then immediately backtracked it through the rest of the story (which I think worked for what I wanted). So I wrote around actually having them find Tamao and Shiori and Ichie, because Everything Always Works Out just didn’t feel like it would be right, but I couldn’t write it to go wrong.
I think I’ll return to that Hyper Light Drifter AU, and return further to the idea of major character death. It’ll be good overall for my brain to be able to write it in a way that feels authentic and real. Anway, I also hate writing action scenes so you have to wonder why I keep being like this. But I will continue to be.
The title is just a line I liked from We’re In It by typhoon, which is definitely one of the more politically minded songs on a politically minded album I am co-opting for starira reasons (i’m very cool).
Anyway, fascinated as always by my cringe obsession with the particulars of sentence structure and the intents those structures convey. Sorry I was a dual major in language and meaning (written) and language and meaning (verbal). It’s painfully painful, as well as painfully obvious.
no subject
Date: 2021-07-04 11:39 pm (UTC)i really love the whole siegfeld* issue of Blame and how you portray that in your akifumis. and you're extra right that it doesn't make a difference for either of them but they are so obsessed with it anyways
i look forward to the hyper light drifter au whenever u do that (I will hopefully beat hyper light drifter soon so i can understand fully and also bc i really need to beat hyper light drifter) language is fun :)